Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Airplane review - Post 3


Living in the state of "California" I am constantly exposed to one of humanity's biggest mistakes: the "airplane". Perhaps you (the reader) have heard of this incredible catastrophe. It is large and big with a couple wings on the sides? Ever heard of it? No? Well you are one lucky man I must say.

De spite this I figure it is only fair to provide a little HISTORY on the monster many people call "the airplane":

1. Orvile Right and Wilver Right (no relation, as I recall) made the "airplane" for the 1st time of anybody. Of course the two Right men don't make airplanes now, in fact neither have been seen in several decades. I once heard an elected official say that "2 wrongs don't make a right". This is true. But also in this case I think it is safe to say that 2 Rights make a wrong.....

2. In the 1960's or 1970's airplanes really began to take over. Everybody had a plane or two (except back then they called them "EagleWangs"). Neighbors would call to each other "Hey Jimbo, how's the EagleWang? You and the Mrs. still enjoying the sex?".         Are you starting to see why I dont really care for these airplains??

3. Here we are today. Look up and all around you. I would bet many things that there are several airplanes in you're eyesight alone. Simply put, THEY ARE EVERYWHERE.

Nextly, I dont know if you (once again, the reader) have ever been on one of these things. But it is just AWFUL. I had my 1st experience 4 years ago when traveling from Fresno, California to Phenix, Arizona. I boarded the plane and was immediately thrown to my seat by a (easy on the eyes, if I do say so myself) stewardess wearing a proper unifrom. She introduced her self as Jeanette and I. Was. In. Love. But this is all besides the point. My experience was, oh I dont know, LESS than pleasant. For one, they served no milk (of any percent, believe me I asked) or Mike's Hard Lemonade (my favorite drink but shhh). After settling for "Cran Barry Jews" (anyone else never heard of this "drink"?) I had a full blatter. I went to the bathroom only to find my "good friend" Jeanette blocking the doorway with an apparently unmovable drink carte. I told her I really had to go, and we got into a little scuffle. The next thing I knew we had landed at the Provolone, Utah airporte where I was taken off the plane (rescued).

As you can see me and planes have a ways to go before I'd ever fly again.
I hoped this helped anybody thinking about flying make a decision.
Yours truly.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

What the "Web" Has to Offer - Post 2

I investigate my new surroundings

Because I am writing a "Blog" (in fact you are reading it right now lol) on the World Wide Web, I have decided to do a little "snooping" around the Web to see what it has to offer. (Cue Snoop Dawg music). If you are like me, you have noticed that there is one thing on the Web nowadays that just doesn't seem to go away. Of course I am talking about the video known as the "HarlemShake". A HipPop song that seems to be all fine and well in the beginning, but then turns into a crazy display of dancing and masks.

As you may expect, I have quite the number of issues with this dance, which I shall list here:

1. I did a quick mental calculation and it turns out that the US of A could save nearly 40 trillion $ / a year if we didnt make these "HarlemShake" videos- think about it- the taxpayer is footing the bill for Keenwa McLiberal and his friends to make these videos with expensive costumes, masks, sets, cameras, musics, etc. Does the number 40 trillion $ sound familiar to you? Its because a little something called the national debt is the same amount.......

2. The name "HarlemShake" makes people like me anxious and somewhat paranoid....

3. Here in "California" (where apparently the city of "Haarlem" is not) people do the "shake" (as diehard fans call it) everywhere- the workplace, the public park, the power plant, the homeless shelter, and I could go on.....

Its interesting that a once great nation could have their now weak testicles so captivated by this monstrosity of a dance production. In fact it seems, at least to this writer, that The A of US (jk) has put it's best days behind it as it heads towards the retirement community known as the "HarlemShake".

Monday, September 22, 2014

Inaugural Californiaperson Post - Post 1

A little bit about I

I'd like to start by saying something about myself that hopefully you already know: I have never cared much for the "World Wide Web". I think it is mostly a big waste of time filled with atheist garbage and those pesky penis enhandsomement ads. But who was it, perhaps George Washingotn or some other type of famous person, that once said "we must look our enemies in the face for it is when we do so that we know we are truly safe from harm's way". I intend to do roughly the same thing with this blog. I am mounting my glistening sword deep in the mountain of evil that is the "Web", and attempting to declare freedom. I mean, heck, I'm no Thomas Jeffferson, but it can't hurt to try, LOL.

Anyway, it is with great pleasure that I announce why I am started this "Blog":

1. I moved to the state of "California" alittle over a year ago, and I figure it could do the world some good to hear about my travels.

2. I want to class up the internet. I mean come on, you can't deny that it could use it. xD

3. Its no secret that I one day intend to mount a run for public office in the greatest country in the world: good ol US of A. I'm hoping that by building a fan base I will one day secure the votes from the American people to become congressman of the US of A. (Don't worry I wont ever have a scandal or anything like that LOL)

4. When you get to be a Californiaperson like myself, there is no shortage of hilarious antics that you find yourself in nearly everyday, and I want to chronicle these antics much like the great writers Ann Frank and Lou Gerihg.

5. As somewhat of a intellectual, I am fascinated by many things that I want to end up writing about (which of course, I can do right here on this "Blog")

I look forward to your readership.